(Inspired by yesterday's conversation)
Soul Train and pancakes
on Saturday morning
Mama
Daddy
They loved me
I knew it
Grandmothers
Grandfathers
Pastors
"the village"
Raised me
Believed in me
Shaped me
I stand
on the shoulders
of greatness
My reality.
Good Black men
in their twenties and thirties
Holding the door open for me
Calling me 'Kayla' or 'Miss'
They see my heart
Not just my thighs
my breasts
my lips
They respect me
I respect them
I LOVE them.
My reality.
Sister-friends
Inspiring
Encouraging
Not jealous and petty.
Celebration in good times
Comfort in bad
A magnetic force
of beauty
strength
courage
SUCCESS.
I am my sister's keeper
In my reality
I still believe in love
Family
God
Confidence is my rhythm
Faith is my melody
I sing
in the key of life
I am more than a stereotype
More than a movie character
More than a conqueror
THAT
is my reality.
--K.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Fear Factor
I was talking with some good friends of mine last weekend, and I found myself lamenting once more about being stuck in Oklahoma. Ever since I graduated from SWOSU, I have threatened to get on the next thing smokin' out of this state.
And one of them said: "What's stopping you?"
Three little words that kept me awake all night.
I've watched as people in my circle spread their wings and fly, and it is a beautiful sight. And time after time, I run to the cliff just to put on my brakes and fold my wings behind my back.
What is stopping me?
Fear.
What if I don't make it?
What if I'm not good enough?
What if it all blows up in my face and I fail....BIG TIME?
I believe this is the Achilles' heel for many twenty-somethings in the 21st century. While we crave success, there's a little voice in the back of our mind that tells us not to rock the boat.
As believers, we are told that God's will is good, acceptable and perfect. I submit that we should add another phrase: "God's will is not complacent."
From Genesis to Revelations, we see God calling people to step out of their comfort zones; to risk suffering, pain, embarrassment, failure, even death.
Maybe He is calling you to completely change your career path. Perhaps He is telling you to let go of a friendship or relationship that has served its purpose. He could be asking you to take on a leadership position....or maybe, He's calling you to preach His word.
Call it your own personal fiery furnace, lion's den or fish belly....sometimes, it feels like all those and more.
But just like our Biblical brothers and sisters, you just have to say yes anyhow. Yes when it hurts; yes when you can't see what's in front of you; yes when you are terrified. And God, because He is who He is, will open doors where you couldn't even see a doorframe.
Who knows? Maybe next year, I'll be writing this blog from the East Coast.
Trust.
Faith.
Love.
No fear.
I John 4:18,
K.
And one of them said: "What's stopping you?"
Three little words that kept me awake all night.
I've watched as people in my circle spread their wings and fly, and it is a beautiful sight. And time after time, I run to the cliff just to put on my brakes and fold my wings behind my back.
What is stopping me?
Fear.
What if I don't make it?
What if I'm not good enough?
What if it all blows up in my face and I fail....BIG TIME?
I believe this is the Achilles' heel for many twenty-somethings in the 21st century. While we crave success, there's a little voice in the back of our mind that tells us not to rock the boat.
As believers, we are told that God's will is good, acceptable and perfect. I submit that we should add another phrase: "God's will is not complacent."
From Genesis to Revelations, we see God calling people to step out of their comfort zones; to risk suffering, pain, embarrassment, failure, even death.
Maybe He is calling you to completely change your career path. Perhaps He is telling you to let go of a friendship or relationship that has served its purpose. He could be asking you to take on a leadership position....or maybe, He's calling you to preach His word.
Call it your own personal fiery furnace, lion's den or fish belly....sometimes, it feels like all those and more.
But just like our Biblical brothers and sisters, you just have to say yes anyhow. Yes when it hurts; yes when you can't see what's in front of you; yes when you are terrified. And God, because He is who He is, will open doors where you couldn't even see a doorframe.
Who knows? Maybe next year, I'll be writing this blog from the East Coast.
Trust.
Faith.
Love.
No fear.
I John 4:18,
K.
Monday, February 21, 2011
A Love Letter To Myself
I am super-late posting this, but I am a woman of my word.
Dear Kayla,
There are mornings when you wake up feeling like the crap on the bottom of a well-worn boot. You look in the mirror and notice all your problem areas staring back at you; you wonder what on God's green earth could make someone want to love you?
Lots of things.
You're giving.
You're forgiving.
Your "for real" smile is radiant (and I'm not talking about the fake one for pictures and annoying salesmen).
You have a heart that (hopefully) everyone sees.
Tenacity.
Strength.
Faith.
Encouragement.
You've got a really bad-ass 'fro.
I love you because you see the best in people.
I love you because you've finally started seeing the best in yourself.
Whatever tomorrow brings--whatever today brings--I'm just glad I took the time to look past the faults and see you for who you are...
A blessing.
If I had a choice right now to be me or someone else, I'd choose me without hesitation.
Kayla Marie Woodberry.
That's my girl.
Happy Belated Valentine's Day.
--K.
Dear Kayla,
There are mornings when you wake up feeling like the crap on the bottom of a well-worn boot. You look in the mirror and notice all your problem areas staring back at you; you wonder what on God's green earth could make someone want to love you?
Lots of things.
You're giving.
You're forgiving.
Your "for real" smile is radiant (and I'm not talking about the fake one for pictures and annoying salesmen).
You have a heart that (hopefully) everyone sees.
Tenacity.
Strength.
Faith.
Encouragement.
You've got a really bad-ass 'fro.
I love you because you see the best in people.
I love you because you've finally started seeing the best in yourself.
Whatever tomorrow brings--whatever today brings--I'm just glad I took the time to look past the faults and see you for who you are...
A blessing.
If I had a choice right now to be me or someone else, I'd choose me without hesitation.
Kayla Marie Woodberry.
That's my girl.
Happy Belated Valentine's Day.
--K.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Flexible Blessing Pt. III
Shayla and I sat next to each other in the waiting room. I watched as one by one, the nurses whispered to each other and then looked at us with sad eyes. They walked back and forth between the nurses station and her room, but no one said a word. Shayla started to cry. I reached for the next nurse I saw and asked her--begged her--to tell me what was going on.
Tears started falling. "It's not good."
February 11, 1999 is a date that is forever stamped on my heart. On that unseasonably warm day, I said goodbye to my big sister, partner in crime, mentor and friend.
I didn't understand. For over a year, everyone I knew was praying for her healing. We had special prayer services and even fasted, pleading with God to do what the doctors could not. On an intellectual level, I knew her body was just worn out. But my heart was not ready to let go. I wanted her to get up, walk out of the hospital and never look back.
This sure didn't feel like a blessing.
As Christians, we are taught from the earliest moments of our journey to pray that God's will be done. In theory, it sounds so easy. God knows us better than we know ourselves and everything is a part of His greater plans for our lives. But that's in theory. In practice, there are times when God's will seems like God's punishment.
Many of you have heard me say I am grateful for my storms, for those were the moments when I really met God. See, I had been in church all my life. I could quote Scriptures with the best of 'em. I took good notes on sermons and I went to Sunday School. I knew Him....but I met Him in the valley. I was introduced to God, the comforter; God, the burden-bearer; God, the mender of broken of hearts. But more than that, I learned how to trust Him. I learned how to admit that I could not do this on my own; I needed Him more than I needed air, food and water. And He came through for me.
As I type this, tears are streaming down my face...not for myself, but for those who are where I was twelve years ago. I remember what it feels like. I remember the continuous dull ache in your heart. I remember waking up at three in the morning, covered in sweat and crying out from the depths of my soul. I remember watching the world move forward while I seemed to be stuck in neutral. I remember when I wondered if I would ever smile again.
Dear hearts, let God meet you in the valley. Even though you may not be able to see it right now, there is a blessing in the storm, tailor-made just for you.
*************************************************************************************
A few months after Tracee died, I was cleaning out my car and I found an old cassette from a church service. I started to toss it, but something told me to listen. At the very end of the tape, I heard a familiar voice. Tracee was singing a John P. Kee song entitled "I Shall See Him For Myself." The whole song is beautiful, but these lyrics in particular pulled at my heartstrings:
That is where I shall take my rest
In the beauty of His holiness
I shall see Him for myself...
Of course I cried, but this time they were tears of understanding. Tracee had taken the time to tell us where she was going and how it was going to be when she got there. She was finally free from surgery, hospital stays and pain medication.
She was blessed. And that blessed me.
Be encouraged.
--K.
Tears started falling. "It's not good."
February 11, 1999 is a date that is forever stamped on my heart. On that unseasonably warm day, I said goodbye to my big sister, partner in crime, mentor and friend.
I didn't understand. For over a year, everyone I knew was praying for her healing. We had special prayer services and even fasted, pleading with God to do what the doctors could not. On an intellectual level, I knew her body was just worn out. But my heart was not ready to let go. I wanted her to get up, walk out of the hospital and never look back.
This sure didn't feel like a blessing.
As Christians, we are taught from the earliest moments of our journey to pray that God's will be done. In theory, it sounds so easy. God knows us better than we know ourselves and everything is a part of His greater plans for our lives. But that's in theory. In practice, there are times when God's will seems like God's punishment.
Many of you have heard me say I am grateful for my storms, for those were the moments when I really met God. See, I had been in church all my life. I could quote Scriptures with the best of 'em. I took good notes on sermons and I went to Sunday School. I knew Him....but I met Him in the valley. I was introduced to God, the comforter; God, the burden-bearer; God, the mender of broken of hearts. But more than that, I learned how to trust Him. I learned how to admit that I could not do this on my own; I needed Him more than I needed air, food and water. And He came through for me.
As I type this, tears are streaming down my face...not for myself, but for those who are where I was twelve years ago. I remember what it feels like. I remember the continuous dull ache in your heart. I remember waking up at three in the morning, covered in sweat and crying out from the depths of my soul. I remember watching the world move forward while I seemed to be stuck in neutral. I remember when I wondered if I would ever smile again.
Dear hearts, let God meet you in the valley. Even though you may not be able to see it right now, there is a blessing in the storm, tailor-made just for you.
*************************************************************************************
A few months after Tracee died, I was cleaning out my car and I found an old cassette from a church service. I started to toss it, but something told me to listen. At the very end of the tape, I heard a familiar voice. Tracee was singing a John P. Kee song entitled "I Shall See Him For Myself." The whole song is beautiful, but these lyrics in particular pulled at my heartstrings:
That is where I shall take my rest
In the beauty of His holiness
I shall see Him for myself...
Of course I cried, but this time they were tears of understanding. Tracee had taken the time to tell us where she was going and how it was going to be when she got there. She was finally free from surgery, hospital stays and pain medication.
She was blessed. And that blessed me.
Be encouraged.
--K.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Confessions of a Blogger
I confess:
--This was another request from one of my good friends. For the sake of pushing my writing ability, I do my best to oblige all requests.
--In case any of you are wondering why I ask for topic requests, it is because they force me out of my comfort zone. A lot of times, these topics require me to think outside of the box or post some of my most private thoughts.
The best runner knows that sometimes, you have to change up your course. You might not like it, but you'll get stronger!
--That being said, I'm kind of burned out on all of the single, dating and love topics. I'm not going to lie....it's on my mind like 35% percent of the time. Writing about it means I have to think about it....which leads to too much time spent on it. It has sort of "colored" the beginnings of a few blossoming relationships and I don't really like that.
At this point, I just feel like I am where I am. If I'm meant to be in a relationship, it will happen.
*throwing myself on the ground* VERIFIABLE INCOME AND GOOD GRAMMAR....THAT'S ALL I ASK!
,
--Part of me really wants to know who is reading my blog; the other part of me doesn't want to know. If I knew certain people were reading, I think I would censor myself more than I do. And there are some upcoming entries where I plan on getting downright RAW....
So, yeah. Don't tell me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Non-Blog Related Confessions
--I had to check myself today. Life is so much bigger than Facebook and sometimes, it's easy to get drawn into other people's madness. I literally had to close my laptop and ask myself: "Would these person even CARE if I dropped off the face of the Earth?" Pretty sure they'd go on with their lives and that is okay. It's what I expect.
My inner circle means more to me than hundreds of Facebook "friends."
But that IGNORE feature can sho' lift up a bowed down head! LOL!
--My sister and I challenged each other this weekend. I won't tell you her challenge, but mine was to stop being analytical with men. I confess, I'm really bad about this. Every text message, phone conversation, date, kiss and more requires in-depth analysis....either in my mind or my journal. Sometimes, you can think yourself right out of a relationship.
The secondary part was to put myself out there more, thereby risking rejection (which I DESPISE). I tried it last weekend....and it didn't work out that great. But it didn't kill me either.
--I was just thinking that I need an excuse to dress up, but why do I have to wait for a special occasion?
Well, I guess it would look a little strange for me to wear a formal dress to work...but trust me. I've seen worse.
--Three things make me right in the morning: prayer, exercise and coffee. Without these, I am raging you-know-what.
It took me 28 years to discover I am not a morning person....I'm sure the people who really know me figured it out much sooner.
--Even amidst the noise, craziness and chaos which has become my life, I am encouraged. I know in my heart there is a purpose behind every tear, thought, conversation and even song. I feel a lift of hope in my chest.
Dear hearts, it is all working together for my good.
-K.
--This was another request from one of my good friends. For the sake of pushing my writing ability, I do my best to oblige all requests.
--In case any of you are wondering why I ask for topic requests, it is because they force me out of my comfort zone. A lot of times, these topics require me to think outside of the box or post some of my most private thoughts.
The best runner knows that sometimes, you have to change up your course. You might not like it, but you'll get stronger!
--That being said, I'm kind of burned out on all of the single, dating and love topics. I'm not going to lie....it's on my mind like 35% percent of the time. Writing about it means I have to think about it....which leads to too much time spent on it. It has sort of "colored" the beginnings of a few blossoming relationships and I don't really like that.
At this point, I just feel like I am where I am. If I'm meant to be in a relationship, it will happen.
*throwing myself on the ground* VERIFIABLE INCOME AND GOOD GRAMMAR....THAT'S ALL I ASK!
,
--Part of me really wants to know who is reading my blog; the other part of me doesn't want to know. If I knew certain people were reading, I think I would censor myself more than I do. And there are some upcoming entries where I plan on getting downright RAW....
So, yeah. Don't tell me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Non-Blog Related Confessions
--I had to check myself today. Life is so much bigger than Facebook and sometimes, it's easy to get drawn into other people's madness. I literally had to close my laptop and ask myself: "Would these person even CARE if I dropped off the face of the Earth?" Pretty sure they'd go on with their lives and that is okay. It's what I expect.
My inner circle means more to me than hundreds of Facebook "friends."
But that IGNORE feature can sho' lift up a bowed down head! LOL!
--My sister and I challenged each other this weekend. I won't tell you her challenge, but mine was to stop being analytical with men. I confess, I'm really bad about this. Every text message, phone conversation, date, kiss and more requires in-depth analysis....either in my mind or my journal. Sometimes, you can think yourself right out of a relationship.
The secondary part was to put myself out there more, thereby risking rejection (which I DESPISE). I tried it last weekend....and it didn't work out that great. But it didn't kill me either.
--I was just thinking that I need an excuse to dress up, but why do I have to wait for a special occasion?
Well, I guess it would look a little strange for me to wear a formal dress to work...but trust me. I've seen worse.
--Three things make me right in the morning: prayer, exercise and coffee. Without these, I am raging you-know-what.
It took me 28 years to discover I am not a morning person....I'm sure the people who really know me figured it out much sooner.
--Even amidst the noise, craziness and chaos which has become my life, I am encouraged. I know in my heart there is a purpose behind every tear, thought, conversation and even song. I feel a lift of hope in my chest.
Dear hearts, it is all working together for my good.
-K.
The Flexible Blessing Pt. II
You haven't been humbled until you have been humbled by God.
I speak with people everyday who tell me what they won't do in order to survive. They turn up their noses at people who work at McDonalds or the garbage men; they insist they will not settle for anything less than 50K, corner office, employer paid benefits....
....and no experience.
I smile. I used to be just like that.
In the summer of 2004, I was a brand-new college graduate and the world was my oyster. I hit the ground running, applying for jobs all over this nation. I went on interviews and received several job offers, but I scoffed.
Don't they know who I am? I am Kayla Marie Woodberry! I will not settle for mere crumbs! I mean, I graduated with a 3.5, people....HELLO?!?!?!?
And then, the phone that had been ringing off the hook stopped ringing altogether. I started getting mail addressed to Ms. Woodberry from my student loan company--'cause that ain't free money. I needed a job, bad.
I'll spare you all the gory details, but I ended up at what I thought was one of the worst jobs ever. I hated everything about it: the pay, the people, the commute and the hours. This is not where I was supposed to be--or so I thought.
God has this way of knocking me in the head with what I like to call a spiritual 2x4. When I am sitting at the stoplight on the corner of Pity and Despair, He helps me see that I am where I am (wherever I am) for a reason.
At that job, I was humbled. I cleaned up messes I did not make. I took the blame for situations which were not my fault. Everyday, my body, mind and spirit were pushed past my breaking point.
And when God opened the door for my next assignment, I cried. I wasn't ready to go.
If God had handed me a six-figure gig straight out of the gate, I would have been eaten alive. This "pit stop" changed me and the way I viewed the working world. While there, I learned how to cope with just about everything a job can throw at you. I learned a lot about myself too.
I never knew I was capable of making such a difference.
I never knew I had that much strength in me.
I never knew I could run that fast!
Now, do not misinterpret what I am saying. I will never discourage anyone from dreaming big and chasing their dreams until they are breathless. What I am saying is that this journey is a staircase....and even those of us with the longest legs can't get from the bottom to the top in one fell swoop.
Remember this when you come home from work, exhausted and feeling like you cannot bear clocking in even one more day. This, dear hearts, is just one step.
Be encouraged and be flexible.
--K.
I speak with people everyday who tell me what they won't do in order to survive. They turn up their noses at people who work at McDonalds or the garbage men; they insist they will not settle for anything less than 50K, corner office, employer paid benefits....
....and no experience.
I smile. I used to be just like that.
In the summer of 2004, I was a brand-new college graduate and the world was my oyster. I hit the ground running, applying for jobs all over this nation. I went on interviews and received several job offers, but I scoffed.
Don't they know who I am? I am Kayla Marie Woodberry! I will not settle for mere crumbs! I mean, I graduated with a 3.5, people....HELLO?!?!?!?
And then, the phone that had been ringing off the hook stopped ringing altogether. I started getting mail addressed to Ms. Woodberry from my student loan company--'cause that ain't free money. I needed a job, bad.
I'll spare you all the gory details, but I ended up at what I thought was one of the worst jobs ever. I hated everything about it: the pay, the people, the commute and the hours. This is not where I was supposed to be--or so I thought.
God has this way of knocking me in the head with what I like to call a spiritual 2x4. When I am sitting at the stoplight on the corner of Pity and Despair, He helps me see that I am where I am (wherever I am) for a reason.
At that job, I was humbled. I cleaned up messes I did not make. I took the blame for situations which were not my fault. Everyday, my body, mind and spirit were pushed past my breaking point.
And when God opened the door for my next assignment, I cried. I wasn't ready to go.
If God had handed me a six-figure gig straight out of the gate, I would have been eaten alive. This "pit stop" changed me and the way I viewed the working world. While there, I learned how to cope with just about everything a job can throw at you. I learned a lot about myself too.
I never knew I was capable of making such a difference.
I never knew I had that much strength in me.
I never knew I could run that fast!
Now, do not misinterpret what I am saying. I will never discourage anyone from dreaming big and chasing their dreams until they are breathless. What I am saying is that this journey is a staircase....and even those of us with the longest legs can't get from the bottom to the top in one fell swoop.
Remember this when you come home from work, exhausted and feeling like you cannot bear clocking in even one more day. This, dear hearts, is just one step.
Be encouraged and be flexible.
--K.
Monday, February 7, 2011
The Flexible Blessing
Subtitle: "Hit 'Em With a Flex." Ha!
I confess: I love straws.
I keep straws in my purse and my office desk because I just can't be caught without one. Any straw will do, but I have a favorite: the flexible straw. To me, that is one of the greatest inventions of the 20th century. Backward, forward, left or right, high or low....in any position, the liquid continues to flow.
Pure genius, I tell ya.
As a Christian, my faith should resemble that straw. I should be able to understand God's work in my life from every angle, every position....every storm. And yet, we have become a rigid society. With our lips, we tell people God answers prayers in one of three ways. In our hearts, we are expecting one answer in particular.
Can I just keep it real tonight?
You have prayed and prayed for God to make a way in your job situation. After months of seemingly no answer, you get an offer for a job....but it's not the salary you expected. Or it's not the title you wanted.The hours are different than you expected--they had the audacity to ask you to work on Saturday! Maybe, this job even requires you to move to another area of the country altogether. And instead of rolling with the punches, all you can think is:
That's not what I asked for!
May I delve a little deeper? And I'm about to say OUCH, 'cause I'm stepping on my own toes!
You've been talking to God about your relationship situation. You walk around singing that you're "ready for love" like India Arie and you're signing up for every singles conference in the country. And here comes a suitor...but he's two inches shorter than you. He has children, as in more than one and with different mothers. He doesn't have a degree. He doesn't have a six-pack. He uses CONVERSATE as though it's a real word! Touch, Lord!
One more:
You have a loved one who is terminally ill. You have watched them go from vibrant and healthy to (literally) nothing but skin and bones. You have prayed until you've lost your voice, asking God for a miracle. You believe God can do anything but fail--everyone you know is touching and agreeing on their healing.
And they die.
You fall to your knees and literally scream into the sky: "GOD, WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!"
Sound familiar?
It should. It's my testimony.
Stay tuned for Part II.
-K.
I confess: I love straws.
I keep straws in my purse and my office desk because I just can't be caught without one. Any straw will do, but I have a favorite: the flexible straw. To me, that is one of the greatest inventions of the 20th century. Backward, forward, left or right, high or low....in any position, the liquid continues to flow.
Pure genius, I tell ya.
As a Christian, my faith should resemble that straw. I should be able to understand God's work in my life from every angle, every position....every storm. And yet, we have become a rigid society. With our lips, we tell people God answers prayers in one of three ways. In our hearts, we are expecting one answer in particular.
Can I just keep it real tonight?
You have prayed and prayed for God to make a way in your job situation. After months of seemingly no answer, you get an offer for a job....but it's not the salary you expected. Or it's not the title you wanted.The hours are different than you expected--they had the audacity to ask you to work on Saturday! Maybe, this job even requires you to move to another area of the country altogether. And instead of rolling with the punches, all you can think is:
That's not what I asked for!
May I delve a little deeper? And I'm about to say OUCH, 'cause I'm stepping on my own toes!
You've been talking to God about your relationship situation. You walk around singing that you're "ready for love" like India Arie and you're signing up for every singles conference in the country. And here comes a suitor...but he's two inches shorter than you. He has children, as in more than one and with different mothers. He doesn't have a degree. He doesn't have a six-pack. He uses CONVERSATE as though it's a real word! Touch, Lord!
One more:
You have a loved one who is terminally ill. You have watched them go from vibrant and healthy to (literally) nothing but skin and bones. You have prayed until you've lost your voice, asking God for a miracle. You believe God can do anything but fail--everyone you know is touching and agreeing on their healing.
And they die.
You fall to your knees and literally scream into the sky: "GOD, WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!"
Sound familiar?
It should. It's my testimony.
Stay tuned for Part II.
-K.
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