This is probably as real as I have ever been....interpret as you wish.
On Facebook today, I had a conversation with several of my friends about dating within the church community. What started out as a way for me to pass the time soon became an opportunity for God to speak to me about my current situation. Though I tried my best ignore what my heart was telling me, I heard the verdict loud and clear:
Guilty as charged.
Check it: I want somebody in my life. I can try to paste on a smile and brave the world every morning, but at night....loneliness becomes my bed mate. My mind goes on a time warp, back to the days when I dated this person or such and so. I wonder: was he really that bad?
I wonder: am I really that bad?
I recall the moments when I have done things I'm not proud of....trying to force God's hand by "positioning" myself in front of someone or changing who I am to suit their tastes. And at the end of the day, I am no closer to a legitimate relationship than when I started playing "the game."
I feel anxious. I'm standing at the corner of Bitterness and Desperation, two blocks over from the intersection of Envy and Resentment. Daily, I pray for God's direction in this matter. Daily, I struggle with the flesh rising up within me.
When is it going to be MY turn?
I've heard it all....
Just wait on the Lord!
Just love yourself and keep working on you.
He'll turn up when you least expect it.
Be grateful--you have PLENTY of time to do God's work while you're single!
You have so many other reasons to thank God (indeed, I do).
My heart is weary of another break. The scabs are still fresh.
Do I even have the strength to try again?
I try to trick my mind into not thinking about it. Some days, I succeed. Other days, I don't.
Heaven knows I can't stand whiny people. Suck it up and keep moving. Yet, here I am....
Guilty as charged....the desires of my heart....
Tomorrow will be better.